When you want something so bad and it doesn’t happen, it hurts bad…really bad.
Over and over and over again it seems like God closes (slams) the door in my face. I’ve tried knocking politely, sneaking in, pounding, karate kicking, and sledge hammering my door down and it STILL. WON’T. BUDGE. It feels like my door is a straight up concrete slab and I really don’t know what to do (can someone lend me a jack hammer?).
We’ve been trying for baby #2 now for 8 months. How the heck did that happen? Now, I get it, in the grand scheme of life, 8 months is nothing. But can I reiterate that when you want something SO bad, it hurts SO bad when you don’t get it (month after month after month). So whether that door you want opened is a new job, a fixed relationship, a home, physical healing, mental healing, a baby, etc., let me tell you how this past month of my door still standing strong and firm (not opening) actually made me feel loved by God.
Thanks to my sister, she shared a podcast with me by Gabby Bernstein called, “The Universe has your Back.” After listening to Gabby’s story, I realized I was doing this all wrong. It was time to put down my tools and strategies of breaking down this door, and time to start resting in this opportunity of growth I had at my fingertips. It wasn’t one of those, “God closes one door to open another door” moments...that saying is complete crap to me because guess what? That still forces us to look forward to what’s next (#type7) and blinds us from where we are now.
So I took Gabby’s advice and started praying for a sign: “God, you already know the desire of my heart. You know what I want. Please give me a sign. I don’t know what that looks like or sounds like, but soften my heart to receive your guidance and faithfulness.”
That following morning I got my period.
This was my sign.
Sure, my heart sank at first, but it was quickly softened to hear what God was doing in me. I haven’t gotten my period without the help of medication in 4 years (I have PCOS) and in over a decade if you count birth control. If I hadn’t allowed God to posture my heart the day before this, I would have missed the point. I would have added another month of pain to this process and spent the next week in self-pity. But this sign from God was Him saying, Jess, you’ve asked for healing, and here it is. I love your plans, and I know they are good, but mine are great. They are perfect. I will work it out for you, you decide if you want to listen and watch. This sign I asked for didn’t come in the way I thought it would, but it came nonetheless because I was searching for it. So it turns out that if you really listen and watch for what God is doing in your life right now, you may start to see a slightly bigger picture than the one you thought was ahead of you. And let me tell you, the bigger picture is going to give you wide open space to grow with the Lord and with yourself...plant those roots and soak it up.
So I encourage you to stop trying to force the door open. Stop trying to look for a new door. There is purpose in whatever season you are in right now. Pray for a sign and be willing to look for it. Our plans may be beautiful and good, but God might need to do a little more work in our hearts and lives before He hands them over to us.
Pray on, warrior.