Look at Me When I'm Talking to You

When something isn’t going the way you planned, do you ever hear something like...

“Everything happens for a reason.”

“His plans are better.”

“You’ll get through this.”

“It’ll make you stronger.”

“Be thankful for what you have.”

Are you cringing yet?  I’ve heard them, you’ve heard them, but do they really help?  

All of these words I’ve heard over the last six months have protected me but haven’t healed me.  They’ve formed this helmet I put on and wear every single day. This helmet provides protection, safety and comfort.  It actually has been helpful because behind all of those words, there is genuine support that I’ve been given ever since my miscarriage.

But here’s the thing.

With this helmet comes an excuse.  An excuse to be tough and not really listen to what I need to be hearing from God.  I’ve been hearing and reading his words, but they’re muffled. I’ve relied on this helmet day after day, and although it’s keeping me safe on the outside, I still get upset.  I’m still sad. I’m still jealous. I’m still full of fear and questions. But I finally had this moment; a daydream as I was worshiping in church:

I walked up to Jesus willing to give him all of my burdens.  I knelt down in front of Him, but before he took those burdens from my hands, he took my helmet off.  All of the protection and security was stripped away and he held me there. He took my face between his hands and locked his eyes with mine and tears streamed down our faces as we leaned into one another.  I could finally hear him and see him.

I felt safer than ever before.  

I still don’t know what he has planned for me and I still have my moments of fear, but you know what?  He’s not stressed about it one bit. Not an ounce of fear is running through his veins and it’s nice to know that.  So I’m going to try and keep my helmet off and actually look at him while he talking to me. I think he has a lot to say.