I'm Sick of False Hope

False Hope...what a tricky little phrase to understand.  I’ve felt a lot of false hope lately. I was pregnant for what was supposed to be 8 weeks.  I went into my ultrasound and found out the baby was measuring just under 6 weeks with a heartbeat, but I was so hopeful.  I have issues getting pregnant naturally, so it all seemed so logical that my ovulation timing could simply be off.  

I felt confident in this hope.  

I started to dream about my life in the future.  The baby would come late August/early September and I’d be able to quit teaching and stay at home full time (MY DREAM).  I’d get to be with Caiden, watch him grow, teach him, and care for him. I could spend more time with my mama friends, pour into my Young Life college girls, take my mornings slow, reheat my coffee 8 times, do laundry during the day (oh laundry, how I loathe you), grocery shop in quiet aisles...you get the point.  

My husband and I went to the doctor 2 weeks later to look at our child and see the growth it had made.  The ultrasound nurse gently put her hand on my knee and at that point I should have known, but my heart was masked with the hope I had put in this child and my life to come.  

The baby was dead.

My dreams were dead.

Was I being irrational in this hope?  I don’t know. I don’t regret the joy the Lord shared with me in those 8 weeks.  There have been two days out of my 27 years where I initially found out I’ve been pregnant.  This baby gave me one of those days and it was one of the best moments of my life. Some days it disgusts me that the joy was ripped so violently from my life, and some days a soft smile forms across my face as I relive the moment.  

Days went by and I began to heal with time...but then there’s some more false hope.

6 weeks after my miscarriage, I took a pregnancy test.  It was just one of those impulse feelings you get where you won’t be able to go to sleep until you get an answer.  It was positive. Not really, super duper, clearly positive, but positive nonetheless. I knew it could be that my hcg hormone levels were still in my body from the miscarriage, so I tried to stay realistic (emphasis on the tried).  I called a nurse, she affirmed that it could be a false positive, or it could be a new pregnancy.   It could be a false hope.

Ohhhh how I tried to bury my hope.  I was so scared to allow myself to feel excitement, only for it to be ripped out my heart again.  So I told a couple friends to get it off my chest and I waited for the next result.

Negative.

I KNEW this was very likely, I had zero pregnancy symptoms, I tried to bury my hope that this actually was a quick come-back pregnancy, but it didn’t work.  I was followed by disappointment, frustration, and bitterness. Maybe I should have just been open about how hopeful I was?  If I would have been honest, would it have happened? (Ohhhh the questions!) So where am I going with this? I honestly don’t know, I kinda just started typing because once again, another hope of mine was quickly trampled on.  

However, the common denominator of all of these false hopes we face, is that they are of this Earth.  How easily I forget that everything that is in my life, isn’t actually mine.  In the blink of an eye it can be ripped out of my hands and I can’t control it.  How wonderfully this challenges me to stay anchored in the one True Hope I do have in this life...the one hope that isn’t false.  

Jesus.

He is the King of my heart and the anchor of my soul.  The one hope that I have in life that I never have to worry about.  His promise is never fleeting; always constant. He holds my hand in all of the false hopes I get wrapped up in, and still reminds me that He is better.  Don’t get me wrong, my heart still wanders from the promise of my Savior and lurks towards my earthly desires every single day, but to be able to cry out to a loving Father who knows my pain and cries with me is something beautiful.  Maybe we shouldn’t be afraid of what we hope for, maybe we should chase after those hopes and hold nothing back. We may not be promised the result we want, at the time we want them, but at least we are promised the best gift of all, eternal life with our King.